So recently I've been seeing TONS of my friends "like" this article written called "Don't Carpe Diem" Here's a link to it if you haven't read it yet: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
I read it and I understand what she's saying and admit that I have times when I feel like I can't even "carpe 15 minutes" let alone the whole day. Actually, I had one of these days yesterday when I called my husband at 5 o'clock and said, "I'm loosing it and I need some backup. I just need a little bit of time to 'check out' and regroup". We all have these moments in life and that's because we are human and life is hard. But does that mean that we shouldn't try to be better? Does that mean that we should just throw up our hands and say, "It's too hard to be a nice mom, I'm just going to yell and be mean all of the time because that's what feels natural in this situation!" Of course not!
I kind of feel like overall this article is giving women an excuse to feel justified in throwing a 4 year old tantrum and plop yourself down on the floor and fold your arms in a huff, put on a huge pouty face and grump, "I don't wanna try anymore! This is HARD!" Well of course it's hard! Life is hard! If it wasn't hard we wouldn't learn anything! We have been sent here to earth to learn and grow, how on earth do we expect to grow if we aren't stretched by doing hard things? I know this woman is not saying, 'I don't have to try to like being a mom because it's too hard'. But in essence what she is saying is, 'It's okay to not try to like being a mom ALL of the time because that's just not realistic. Just count the clock until bedtime and try to squeeze in at least a few moments every day where you actually enjoyed yourself and the kids.'
I had a time in my parenting that felt like this and believe it or not it was when I had 2 kids not 6. I want to share a journal entry I wrote during that time in February of 2004 on a Sunday evening after feeling the spirit during a lesson in church.
"Something deep inside me stirs and I remember what so long ago came so naturally. These days it feels like I'm underwater struggling for air. That warmth of the spirit seems almost foreign sometimes. The cries of my children ring loud in my ears and I feel the load of motherhood. I sit frazzled bouncing a child on my knee and look back with longing on quieter days where the peace of the spirit was not a fleeting memory like a quick brush of warm air. And then I realize that the Spirit also speaks through little hands that touch my face and pat my cheeks. It whispers gently, 'This is what it's all about. Love them. Teach them. I've put my faith in them and trusted them with my greatest work - therefore it is your greatest work to raise them and lead them and together we will see great things come to pass.'
"I look at the child that I bounce on my knee and feel her hands that pat my cheeks. Though sometimes she cries and her brother seems a magnet for chaos - I see what they will be. I've been awarded a glimpse into their hearts and there I see potential.
"Motherhood isn't about enduring the sleepless nights, the crying children, the tantrums, the repeated pleadings to use kind words and clean up our toys, or changing endless diapers. Motherhood should never be seen as enduring - but instead we should be savoring. Lighten up and love your children! Leave dishes and bills for awhile - read books, play cars, make some cookies, tell stories, sing songs, color pictures, be together and happy and laughing and silly. It is true that a child establishes life-long habits in his youth - it is true that they are greatly impressed at a very young age. So spend those years loving, laughing and teaching and it will indeed have a much greater impact than nagging, pleading and insisting on order, discipline and obedience. A child who feels loved will love in return and a child who loves and respects you will obey you. Spend time - not breath. Give love - not lectures. Laugh often and freely. Be an example - not a dictator.
"It is true that young mothers are tired and busy - but some enjoy the activities that tire them and busy themselves with children not tasks, and THOSE young mothers don't have to endure the years of motherhood because they are too busy enjoying them!"
I continued writing on March 21, 2004
"I started writing this on a hard day when I was selfishly starving for more time alone. When I had tasted a bit of the spirit that I'd once felt in abundance. I felt that spirit brush past me leaving me longing for more. But then my children had needs to be met and as I filled their needs I found myself blaming THEM for MY lack of the spirit. I was too busy and tired all of the time and constantly thinking of them that there was no room in my thoughts for spiritual things. I read my scriptures daily but didn't have the energy or time to feast on them and ponder the words without being interrupted like I once had.
"It wasn't until I was writing just now that the light clicked on in my head. When I truly learn to be selfless as a mother I will find a priceless gift. A mother lives her life in service to her children and spouse, caring for their every need. Such a selfless life is sure to be rewarded with inspiration and peace and of course one who lives a life of selfless service to others will feel the warmth of the spirit and the love of God far more abundantly than one who only focuses on their own needs and desires.
"Think of the Savior and His life. It was CERTAINLY far more busy than the life of a mother with two small children! He barely had time to rest His feet. He gave of His time of His love and He counseled far more than a mother of teenagers, He healed more wounded than a mother does bandaging scrapes and kissing owies. The Savior led the ultimate life of busy selfless service. He was thronged constantly by others pleading with him to fix them and help them from the moment that he woke up until long after the sun went down. And do you think that He lacked the spirit?
"As I wrote, my perspective changed and I began to see motherhood as an OPPORTUNITY to serve, not an OBLIGATION to serve. And in making that realization my whole attitude on mothering has changed. I will no longer ENDURE each day of caring for my children and feel relieved when Peter comes home from work to rescue me. I will serve my children and care for their needs and ENJOY each day. I don't have to be alone to be inspired. It doesn't have to be silent to recognize the voice of the spirit. As long as you're serving and not enduring, you'll find peace and joy in what you do."
After reading the article "Don't carpe diem" and all of the comments that followed I realized that so many people think that mothers who enjoy being mothers are BORN THAT WAY! And I heartily disagree! Sure some of us were born with that longing to be a mother, some of us grew up wanting nothing more than to have babies and start a family. But as my journal entry above proves, that doesn't mean it's any easier for us than it is for you! It is hard. I LOVE being a mother and I admit that it is REALLY hard! But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy it! Life is hard, Heavenly Father blesses us with challenges and trials every day of our lives, but He also tells us that "Men are that they might have JOY". We've been told by Prophets to find "Joy In The Journey" and be of the mindset "Come What May and Love It". Just because it's sometimes hard to see the silver lining it doesn't mean that you shouldn't look for it. It's doesn't mean that you can't learn to see the silver lining and LEARN to enjoy life. It might be hard, but it is possible. Don't justify not trying by telling yourself, well I wasn't born to love this time of life so I'll just endure it instead.
Also, I think that as women we compare ourselves to others and set ridiculously high and unrealistic expectations for ourselves that cause us to get frustrated and discouraged. We feel like we need to hand make our children's hair bows and church ties and dresses and pillow cases and quilts and volunteer in each of our children's classes at school and be involved in the PTA and in our communities and provide 3 homemade fabulously healthy meals a day and study the scriptures with our family for an hour every day and run an etsy shop and blog and scrapbook and dress in the latest trends and have time to train for a marathon and exercise daily and of course have a spotlessly clean home and no dirty laundry or dishes! Well no wonder we get stressed out and frustrated!! The problem is that we ALSO want to be able to play barbies and dinosaurs and cars and build legos and play dress up and have dance parties in our jammies and play candy land and chutes and ladders and blow bubbles and go to the park and go to story time at the library and roll on the ground and laugh and be silly with our kids all day every day! And then what about the bills and the grocery shopping and the dishes and laundry and other household things that need to be done? We can't do it all ladies! And when we try to we will get burned out and frustrated and stressed and feel like our children are getting in the way and holding us back!
Years ago I decided to try something new in my parenting. I called it "Geiko parenting - 15 minutes or less could save your sanity!" My mom taught me to do tasks in 15 minute increments. It makes things seem less daunting and you can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes even if you hate it! So work for 15 minutes in one room and then do 15 minutes of organizing that clutter spot and then do 15 minutes of laundry and then 15 minutes in another room... you get the idea. I decided that I was going to spend 15 minutes of every hour giving my kids my undivided attention. I would read a book with them, or do a puzzle with them or play trains with them or simply listen to them tell me all about something terribly exciting that happened to them! The key was that it was THEIR time, they got my attention, my eye contact... EVERYTHING! And you know what, they were THRILLED!! They were less likely to act out and yell and scream and do things that stress me out because they were happy! They felt loved and important and I felt great as a mother who got to spend time enjoying my kids! Plus, guess what happened after that 15 minutes? The kids happily went on playing and I had 45-50 more minutes of uninterrupted "work time" to get my tasks done! I still forget sometimes and get busy and wrapped up in all of the things on my "To Do List" but when I do it it works and I don't get frustrated or loose my patience and the kids are better behaved and we are all happy.
We need to realize that this time of life (raising children) IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! It's about your children. THEY come first. Put them first and you will have time for everything else. A lot of times we justify that the things we fill our time with IS for the kids. "I'm only doing all of this laundry so that the kids will have clothes to wear", "I'm spending all of this time and money scrapbooking so that my kids will have their memories preserved and they keep getting into it and making a mess and ruining things!". It's true, but guess what, you have to realize that even though you are stretching yourself so thin and filling your plate with a million and two things FOR THEM, they could care less about all of those things and all that they see is that 'Mommy is busy' and 'Mommy doesn't have time for me'. Mommy IS busy, but that should NEVER mean that she doesn't have time to look her child in the eyes for 10 seconds when they ask her a question or want her to put that dress on the barbie doll or take 5 minutes and do that puzzle or read that book. Selfishness CANNOT be apart of our mothering or our marriage for that matter (but that's a whole other article to write in itself!) if we want to be happy.
It has been said that "Children spell love T-I-M-E". That couldn't be more true. Love your children.
Even though there is a lot more to being a mom than playing with your children and taking the time to look them in the eyes when they tell you their excited stories, THAT is what matters to them right now. So THAT is what you need to do first . CARPE DIEM even as a young mother! That doesn't mean that life around you stops and you never have to do dishes or laundry or pay bills again, it just means that you don't try to pretend you don't have children and get a million things done during the day so that your children get in your way and cause you to be frustrated. CARPE motherhood! CARPE children!! CARPE LIFE - not tasks!!!
Don't forget that Heavenly Father did not simply plop his most precious and prized possessions onto your lap and say with a grunt, "HERE! YOU deal with them!" and then leave you to raise them and fumble through on your own. He LOVES and CHERISHES your children and wants to help you raise them. Let Him. Involve Him in the process of parenting and ask Him what to do and how to do things. He will help! Another important point, He loves YOU!! He wants YOU to be happy and He wants YOU to succeed in being a wonderful mother who enjoys her time and loves her life regardless of how hard it is. He will bless you with the things you need to enjoy motherhood as you seek Him.
Don't try to do too much and DON'T try to do it alone! And for heaven sakes - NEVER try to justify an attitude which would tell you NOT to Carpe Diem! You never know how many days and moments you have with the ones you love. Make each one count and change your attitude and perspective if you don't feel like you can "carpe a whole diem". If it's hard, then it means it's worth it. Loosing weight is hard - but it's worth the healthy body and energy that come with it. Being Married is hard sometimes - but it is CERTAINLY worth it! Raising children and being a mother is hard, but I promise you even though I am in the thick of it with 6 small children and need to remind myself constantly to Look Up and ask for help and remember what is most important IT IS WORTH IT TO TRY TO BE HAPPY AND FIND JOY IN IT! EVERY moment not just the "Kairos moments".
